One of the things that God has been prodding me about lately is how I have been playing it safe.
I've been reading Strong Women, Soft Hearts, which made it around the BSU circles last year. But in my true nature, I didn't read it because it was the "in" book. And again, like all the other times before, I was the loser in that! This book is absolutely wonderful and full of insight. It is God speaking to me page after page--so much so that I can scarcely take a hold of what He is saying to me.
One chapter that especially hit home was "Losing heart: How it happens" where the author, Paula Rinehart, talks about our commitment to "play it safe," which is what happens when we give what others seem to want of us, and after a while, that becomes the only thing we offer to the world.
Frederick Buechner puts it like this:
"This is the story of our lives...and in the process of living out that story, [our] original shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us end up hardly living out of it at all. Instead we live out all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world's weather. [If we continue] we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing."
It is like I am Adam in the Garden saying, "I was afraid, so I hid myself." We are all desperate for a more presentable self, and we grab what fig leaves we can to meet the world as we find it. (Paula's words)
As I read these words, recent events came to mind where I hid behind my highly edited self. I was hurt by people and I committed to "play it safe" and sweep it under the "it-doesn't-matter rug." But as I read this and the rest of the book, I was comforted to know that when disturbances, disappointments, and loss of hope come, it is my best chance of hearing his voice in the deep places of my heart.
"In all this [wounding] God is opening the way to the central chamber of your soul. There He plans to set before you a feast. This, I tell you is the banquet place of the Holy Spirit," John of the Cross explained. Only when the heart can hear, can we receive the experience of being loved, the joy of belonging to the Father. Pain is often the megaphone that awakens our heart.
I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like to be my "original shimmering self" and not the self that the world (including my Christian friends) want me to be.
Being the real me is so scary--it is so a loss of control--and trusting God. Here I am again, learning the lesson of trust. How many times will I have to be reminded of this? How many times will I fail and again grip my hand around the events and timing of my life? Inside I feel the sensation of falling backwards--not sure of being caught. That pit of fear in your stomach and the sensation of falling fast.
Curtis and Eldredge write: "The question that lingers from the fall of Satan and the fall of man remains: Will anyone trust the great heart of the Father, or will we shrink back in faithless fear?"
Lord, let me choose the goodness of you over fear. Remind me that you will catch me when I let go.
